Sunday, 4 May 2014

Sophia's Eurovision Preview 2014...



Happy Eurovision Week!


*pits oan a funny hat, lets aff a party-popper an blaws a...* er, whit dae ye cry thae things ye blaw? Party-blawers? *shrugs, an blaws yin in yer face onyway...*

Ah'm aye gratified when we get tae this pairt o the year, Eurovision Week, cos tae me it means ye've survived anither winter, an ye've made it through tae the summer weather when ye can chuck open yer windaes, blaw yer cobwebs awa, an gie yer rugs a guid beatin...

*looks oot the windae at the low-slung damp greyness...*

Ach weel, ye cannae hae it guid every year, that wid jist spoil ye intae expectin guidness when, like aw things, the weather can be gey uneven at times. Ye cannae hae "Taps aff!" unless ye've had "Christ it's Baltic oot there!", nae dry withoot the soakin, nae calm withoot the wind knockin yer perm aw skellie...

An ye ken, *pits oan a I. M. Jolly face...* in a funny way, Eurovision can be the same sometimes. Ye cannae hae a Fairytale withoot a Diggi-Loo Diggi-Ley, there's nae Jade Ewen withoot a Scooch, nae... get ma drift yet? Whit ah'm tryin tae say is that some Eurovisions are great, an some arenae... well this yins no yin o the greats, it's yin o the isnaes...

Mibbe that's cos there's nae stand oot winner, there's a couple vyin fer a lead, but nae sure-fire, unlike the past couple o years. It feels a wee bit like nae country's tryin really hard tae win - ah'm sure aw the artists individually are, but ah'm no sure winnin is whit maist o the participant backers are wantin. Mibbe it's cos, efter a couple o really contemporary winners everybody seems tae hae updated their styles an there are fewer comically parochial entries, tho yin or twa come close. Ah dinnae ken, mibbe it's jist me...

Anyhoo, oantae the previews an predictions. This year ah've pit aw ma mini-reviews up oan pearltrees. They're in three trees, Semi-Final 1, Semi-Final 2, an the Grand Final. (The Semi-Finals are in performance order but the Grand Final pre-entrants arenae)

In Semi-Final 1, ah'm hopin that Latvia, Estonia, Russia, Belgium, San Marino an Portugal get the bum's rush, maistly, tho no purely, fer musical reasons. Ah'm a bit worried aboot Russia an Portugal tho... an if they scrape through ah'll only be really upset if it's at the expense o Sweden or Netherlands really, an ah think they should baith be safe enough...

In Semi-Final 2 ah'm hopin that Israel, Lithuania, Belarus, Macedonia an Slovenia get their mairchin orders. Sadly tho, ah imagine that Belarus will get through an Georgia willnae. Ma favourites here are probably Greece an Romania, tho tae be honest, ah'm no gaunnae be too fired-up oan Thursday... ah hope Conchita Wurst's frock cheers me up...

Strangely, ah think the best entries are awready through tae the Grand Final this year. France, Spain an the UK can be pleased wi their efforts this year, though Germany really need tae go hae a wee word wi thersels...

Oot o aw 38 entries then, here's me pittin ma neck oan the line... In nae particular order...

CLUNKERS - the yins that sound like stanes bein rubbed th'gither...

Lithuania - This wis obviously written by a committee, it's got awsorts o noises shoved in an battered aboot, which is how ah felt efter listenin tae it. Ah wis like aw "Make it stop! Make it stop!"...

Portugal - Aw Naw, aw naw hen! This is jist like aw the worstness o Eurovision crammed intae 3 minutes. Portugal hae been hopin tae win this thing fer centuries noo, an yet they keep pittin in a Portuguese entry! Ye'd think they'd learn... Weel, ah'll no be Wah-wah-wayin we ye come Tuesday, an ah sincerely hope ye'll no be Wah-wah-wayin wi us come Saturday!

San Marino - Wid somebody tell Valentina Monetta tae go an get a proper job, an stop abusin her faither, who obviously owns the San Marino telly...

Belgium - No. No. No...

Germany - Ah really don't know whit's possessed the Germans this year... ah could join this bunch oan stage an make fartin noises fae ma oxters an it widnae sound oot o place... really, ah ask ye...

DARK HORSES - Me bein awfy perceptive an predictive, or me hedgin ma bets..?

Austria - Ah didnae rate the bearded lady tae begin wi, ah thocht aw here we go again, as a Eurovision phenomenon it awready feels sooo last year, so whit she's got a beard? it's the flamin 21st century! an aw that manufactured outrage feels even mair tired than the 'bearded lady at a circus' gig dis! Tae tell the truth, ah didnae rate her that much that ah didnae even notice the song creepin up oan me, much like ye'd expect James Bond tae in fact. It's a sinister song that's perfect fer a lady wi a beard in a bath fu o rose petals that ah imagine'll turn up in a big frock, somethin tae dae wi flames... she'd better!

Belgium - Europe, jist dinnae. please, dinnae...

Armenia - Ah suppose ah should stick this here, seein as ah dinnae rate it an it's the bookie's favourite... search me why...

CLINKERS - the yins that sound like gold coins bein rubbed th'gither...

Sweden - Painful an raw, ah love a sair song, an this yin's stood up tae a guid amount o rubbin an pokin ower the past few weeks. If Sanna can haud her nerve at the quiet bits an pour aw that emotion intae the wails, she'll be a difficult wumman tae beat...

France - Even ah want a moustache noo, an it's no aften ye'll hear me say that! As usual the French add some joie de vivre tae Eurovision, an ah'll hae some o that...

Spain - Probably the maist straight-doon-the-line trad Euro-ballad in the show, but if Ruth Lorenzo can inject some o her personality an gie the vocals laldy she should gie Spain their best showin fer years...

Greece - Jump around! Jump around! Fight the economic slump with dance! Keep smilin! Pour me anither!

Romania - Second bites at the cherry dinnae usually work, but ah'm gled OVI an Paula came back fer mair, cos fer some reason ah really like them. Ah hope her throat's up tae the high note, cos ah'm no sure ah'll be able tae help...

An regardless o whit onybody else says...

Georgia - This song is a miracle in itsel, cos ah'm sure it's an entire concept double-album squeezed intae 3 minutes. This complex, multi-layered music's too guid fer Eurovision, an ah wish mair countries wid try that, try tae outflank ithers, try tae come up at their soft underbellies, try tae attack oot o the musical sun, try tae confuse them... er...