Saturday, 14 May 2016

Sophia's Eurovision Preview 2016

Happy Eurovision!

Thank god fer Eurovision eh? Thank god fer somethin tae laugh at... er... *wi*.

As the season started ah wis grabbed by Belgium, France, Iceland (oops!), Russia (obvs), Georgia (not obvs) an Malta, but as the weeks went by Belgium an Iceland faded, Serbia, Bulgaria, an Italy grew oan me, an ah wis astonished, frankly, tae find masel singin the UK entry in the streets an textin lyrics tae Mr P... love it tae bits an hope the lads dae well...

It wid please me jist as much tae gie Joe & Jake's English entry "douze points fae Scotland" as it wid tae see oor independent Scotland's entry beat them soundly in the Gran Prix Final...

Bring it on!

Belgium - What's The Pressure - This wis ma early favourite, love the song, an the singer's got plenty bounce an energy an she'll make a great opener, but too lightweight tae dae weel, probably bottom half ... 8/10

Czechia - I Stand - Great tae see the Czechs in the final, an it's no that bad a song, but wi sae many big female ballads this needed tae be at the end fer impact, so ah think it'll be admired an forgotten, mid tae bottom ah wid say ... 7/10

Netherlands - Slow Down - I'm going nowhere and I'm going fast... Ah couldnae care less where Douwe Bob's gaun, jist sae long as he goes. Ah dinnae mind a bit o country at Eurovision, but this plodder disnae dae a thing fer me, low doon ah think ... 2/10

Azerbaijan - Miracle - The dependable Azerbaijanis put in serious, quality efforts, ah like this, but ah cannae see us back in Baku next year... mibbe aboot half-way up the board ... 7/10

Hungary - Pioneer - This dis ma heid in frankly, ah jist cannae see whit they see in Freddie, an his singin jist gies me a sair throat... well ah say singin, if ye can count growlin an shoutin as singin... an the song's a bit pants tae, bottom end methinks ... 1/10

Italy - No Degree Of Separation - The first yin ah'm really lookin forrit tae, love this tune, love the singer. Sadly, as she's stickin tae Italian (which is fine btw) ah dinnae see it fillin its potential, should end up jist past half-way ... 8/10

Israel - Made Of Stars - Ah jist ignored this song really, fer weeks, didnae like it, didnae like the singer... but it came alive at the Semi-final, an ah can see it creepin oantae the left board noo... still far fae ma favourite ... 5/10

Bulgaria - If Love Was A Crime - Yay Bulgaria, way tae go! Ah cannae mind o a Bulgarian entry ah've enjoyed as much as this, it's a great dancefloor pounder, ah jist wish ah could pronounce the "Ah'm a loofer" bit properly, like a Bulgar ... 9/10

Sweden - If I Were Sorry - Well, if Sweden hae anythin tae apologise fer, it's fer no sendin us Ace Wilder wi "Don't Worry" cos that song is Ace! an is oan ma fave list. This song tho, is keich, an Sweden will be sorry oan Sunday. ... 1/10

Germany - Ghost - Germany jist arenae gettin it, they keep pittin in horribly contrived songs that jist arenae 'natural'. Black Smoke wis awful, an this is nae better... an really, dinnae get me started if she comes oot dressed as a Pokemon or whitever it is... we'll hae nae Manga in Leith thanks ... 2/10

France - J'ai Cherche - Fae zero tae hero, fae flunk tae hunk, fae ridiculous tae sublime... Yin o the favourites here, an nae wonder, it's cheerful, bright, irresistibly sexy... an so is Amir. Ah hae some doubts aboot his live performance, but he'll get points jist fer flashin that Gallic smile at me ... 9/10

Poland - What Colour Is Your Life - Ah wis shocked when Poland unearthed this song fae somewhere back in the 20th century an picked it ower Rihanna, but recently it's started creepin up oan me, in the same way Conchita did actually, they're quite similar... but this isnae a winner ... 6/10

Australia - Sound Of Silence - Much better entry than last year, an proof that it wis a guid decision tae invite Australia back, this fits right in. Gorgeous singer, great voice, should be up there, well intae the Top Ten... They'll win it yin year ye ken... 8/10

Cyprus - Alter Ego - Oh ah love a bit o pop-rock sprinkled oan ma Eurovision, jist tae prove that other folk in Europe take it seriously an the UK needs tae get a real grip. It's passable pop-rock, though ah think the jail-bars are a bit unnecessary ... 5/10

Serbia - Goodbye (Shelter) - This singer immediately grabbed ma attention, but that's only cos ah thought she wis haein a seizure o some sort, she should really tone doon the convulsions... This takes me back tae Molitva though, an that could be significant ... 7/10

Lithuania - I've Been Waiting For This Night - Out o the 3 Baltic Boys ah thought Donny the cutest, but the song disnae cut much new ground, ye've heard it afore many times... don't think it'll grab the voters either, right-hand board comin up ... 5/10

Croatia - Lighthouse -  This is a pleasant, innocuous enough, raither bland song, the video wis unusual in hardly haein the singer in, jist lots o clouds an waves... mid-board ... 6/10

Russia - You Are The Only One - Well it's the favourite, an frankly that's difficult tae argue wi, it's a spot-on stomper, Sergey's lovely, an the stagin is astonishin, him climbin that wa jist blew me awa at the Semi-final an ah cannae wait tae see it again, he's heidin fer the top ... 9/10

Spain - Say Yay Yay - Lots o fowk are gaun a bundle ower this, but there's somethin stoppin me, it's jist lackin that special somethin... an there's far too much La La Las in it, which Spain should ken is. not. cool. Ah see this floppin badly ... 5/10

Latvia - Heartbeat - Supposedly this is follaein Loic Notel an Aminata as the uber-coolest thing since sliced iPhones... disnae dae much fer me, an Justs jist leaves me cauld ... 4/10

Ukraine - 1944 - Ah'm no yin fer censorship, no way jose, but Ukraine pittin this in the Eurovision is jist stirrin things... That said, there's no a lot tae fault on this, it's a straight-fae-the-heart, honest-tae-god, look-at-me-like-that-again-an-ah'll-batter-ye, stanes-in-a-sock cosh o a song, beautifully delivered... an ah love the frock! It'll be up there ... 9/10

Malta - Walk On Water - Well, yince Malta had made their mind up, they chose the right song, this is quality modern dance, it's upliftin, an bein near the end'll dae it nae herm, ah expect a top ten placin ... 8/10

Georgia - Midnight Gold - Ah fell in love wi this the first time ah heard it, it's unsettlin, dark, kindae scuzzy, possibly quite inappropriate... excellent. Then, at the Semi-Final, it grabbed me by the hair an ah fell in love wi it aw ower again. I cannot wait tae see this again, it's murrdertastic! Top Five ... 9/10

Austria - Loin d'ici - Ah dismissed this a piece o fly-awa fluff initially, destined only tae get a few points fae France, mibbe... but then it blossomed oan stage, an Mr P reminded me that there's plenty fowk oot there like a bit o marshmallow wi their Eurovision... *shrugs...* It'll dae better than it should ... 3/10

UK - You're Not Alone - Definitely the best thing we've pit in fer years... many years... It's bright, positive, cuddly, smiley, the boys are cute, Jake's even cuter... Joe's actually no very cute at aw... it's aw Jake fer me... but they're cute th'gither, so... fingers crossed, great position tae play in, should make the top ten ah think ... 9/10

Armenia - Lovewave - There's nae doubt they've saved a corker fer the end, this will benefit fae aw the alcohol consumed by that point, it'll take fowks' heids an shoogle them shtupit... Whether that's enough tae take their votes we'll see... but ah think this is the dark horse in the race... watch thae televotes when they come in ... 8/10

Fer aw the spotlight oan Russia ye wid think it's a foregaun conclusion that we're aff tae Moscow next year, but ah widnae be buyin a fur bunnet too quick, bookies an opinion polls are aften gang agley... an fowk dinnae aye like bein telt how they're gaunnae vote... plus Sergey might faw aff his wa, there's risks involved... Ukraine's comin up fast oan the ootside, an ah widnae count Armenia oot either...

Ah've gied ma 9/10s tae Russia, Ukraine, France, UK, Bulgaria an Georgia... so ah'd like tae see thae six in the Top Five... Ah'd say Armenia, Malta, Serbia an Australia will likely fill oot the Top Ten...

Bottom end, ah see Germany, Poland, Netherlands, Sweden an Hungary gettin flushed awa... ah widnae miss them...

Money whaur ma mooth is - Of course ye cannae count Russia out, but ma waters are tellin me that Ukraine will pit up a guid fight against them... but they'll baith be pipped by Armenia.

There, ah've said it, Surprisin ye aw at the end, it's Armenia tae win.


  1. Ma local hiz kareoke oan the night. Looks like a takeaway, a cairryoot and Led Zeppelin in ma earphones...

  2. Ye're a heathen Mr Conan, sayin that tae ma face oan Eurovision Day... a damn heathen...

    If ye're at the karaoke ah dare ye tae dae Abba... sing Waterloo fer me! :-)