Are we hell...

Somethin that's been botherin me o late, an it wis brocht tae ma mind again by the post fae Bonningtom Mill jist roond the corner fae me yesterday, lookin at the creaky an frankly undemocratic apparatus o the dyin state we find oorsels in, is a thocht ah've lang been mullin ower anent oor representation in the Palace o Fools oan the Thames. Anne lays oot the lie o the land perfectly an so ah'll no repeat her. She refers tae oor representation as bein 59 oot o 650 MPs, or 9% oot o the entire Hoose o Commons, roughly in line wi oor population share. But that only tells half the story...

See, back afore the war, Scotland sent 74 MPs tae Westminster, oot o a total o 615. By ma reckonin that's 12%. That fell efter the war tae 71 oot o 630, or 11.2%, 72 oot o 659 in 1997 or 10.9%, then doon tae the 9% it is noo. The plan wis tae further cut that tae 52 oot o 600, or 8.6%, a plan currently abandoned, but mark ma words if we say nae they'll be back at that again gied half a chance, they, an ah mean ony an aw o the three anti-independence parties, 4 if ye count UKIP, they wid aw love tae cut Scotland's numbers further. Noo, ye may say 'Weel, that's cos we've got Holyrood where we didnae afore' an ah can see where ye're comin fae an aye, Holyrood's daein great an the mair powers tae it the better, takin the hit oan the chin o sendin less MPs doon tae London, weel we'll jist hae tae manage an onyway they figure less in oor minds noo onyroads, an they'll hae less tae dae, jist the reserved powers really, that cannae tak aw their time, so they're really jist part-time MPs (ah nearly said party-time MPs there... D'oh!) in fact we'll jist club them aw th'gither like hale-time equivalents an cut yer numbers slap bang wollop...

But that's Defence... That's Foreign Affairs... an Welfare... an the Economy... an the 'Constitution'...

That's big issue stuff, real man-the-barricades stuff... an we've let oor representation in the Mither o Parliaments, that's bound us in sic a lovin an big-bosomed embrace fer 3 centuries, we've let oor representation oan aw the Great Matters o State faw fae 12% tae 9% in the last century (that's a decline o 25%, ah'm gettin guid at this eh?) at a time when we're supposedly #bettertogether?

Are we hell...

Mission creep...

Like a lot o fowk roond here ah ken next tae bugger aw aboot Mali. Ah ken where it is, like, an Timbuktu's there ah ken that, but that's it. Why we're even sendin sodjers there ah've nae idea they say they're jist gaun there tae watch, but like a lot o fowk ah'm worried that they might jist be gaun there tae watch but ye ken whit sodjers are like yince they see a fight they jist want tae join in they cannae help it it's whit they dae efter aw... so, like a lot o fowk ah'm worried aboot mission creep, aboot gettin drawn in, the mair we talk aboot the war in Mali it becomes oor war in Mali ken? the mair we discuss it the mair real it becomes...

An that's whit's pittin the Unionist neb oot o joint th'day, we're makin it aw become real the mair we talk aboot it. The mair we discuss the mechanics o how Scotland becomes an independent nation, the mair real that 'new' Scottish nation becomes...

The Westminster Government disnae want tae hae talks wi the Scottish Government aboot whit happens in the event o a Yes vote cos that involves bringin the 'Constitutional Commissioners' oanstage, this body, these people, these brains, whitever... ah imagine it'll be people an no jist actual brains but are ye wi me? The step forrit th'day wis that (inevitably) an independent electoral body said that in a modern democratic country like oors, there's a proper way tae dae these things an that means that we aw hae tae prepare fer the fact that maist o us might want independence. We aw hae tae accept that. Ma government has tae accept that. That is tae say ma government in London, Cameron's government, has tae accept it. The UK has tae act in ma best interest, in oor best interest, an prepare fer the fact that we in Scotland might vote Yes in Autumn 2014. We want oor government tae at the very least provide some idea, some certainty aboot oor future road, whether that coincides wi theirs or no...

An so they hae tae show us that road, whit it'll look like, whit's oan it? who negotiates? wi who? when? where?

They hae tae agree aw that wi the Scottish Government, an in agreein it they make it that bit mair real, an they take us that bit further doon that very road. That's whit ah cry mission creep...an it's excitin...

Yin last Hurrah!

Here's ma take oan the Olympics, it'll be quick...

Ah enjoyed watchin it, despite the smell...

But then, ah cannae mind an Olympics or Commonwealth Games that ah didnae enjoy watchin. Ah like the Ceremonies wi their fireworks an human art, ah like tae see fowk winnin efter pittin in sic hard work, an ah like tae see 'ma team' daein weel. Like maist fowk ah've been able tae switch 'ma team' every twa year atween supportin a TeamGB an a TeamScotland, mainly cos ah've had nae choice. But gied the choice, ah'd raither support TeamScotland at baith Olympic an Commonwealth Games, an soon we'll hae that choice...

Of course, despite the sudden appearance o summery weather, whit sets the London Games apairt fae the pack has been the torrential doonpour o constitutional debate that's drenched us aw, soaked the airwaves an nearly drooned the competition. Whether or no an athlete draped the flag aboot their shooders, sang God Save The Queen wi gusto or jist mumbled the words (or even worse jist kept their mooths shut) wis discussed every bit as much as the competitors times or scores. Heavy meanin engulfed the Games like floodwater, an it's a surprise ony o us survived at aw! Successes under that flag, that anthem, an that TeamGB were of course leapt upoan by certain commentators as evidence o a strong Union an an indicator that Scotland wid vote 'No' in 2014...

But here's a thing, if aw this Union-flag-wavin wis supposed tae propel us tae a 'No' vote, whit will the next twa year bring? Ah'll tell ye whit. Fae noo oan, it's TeamScotland aw the way, fae noo oan aw thae young athletes will be trainin tae represent their country an tae compete under the Saltire, an wi luck plenty o them'll be drapin the lovely blue an white cross aboot their shooders in Glesca in 2014. An aw thae commentators that celebrated 'British' achievements in London will be hard-pressed no tae gie the same enthusiasm tae celebratin Scottish, Welsh, Irish an English achievements in Glesca. If 2012 wis the highwater mark o the Union then get ready tae see that concoction o the past get swept awa in the Scottish deluge o 2014. That's why there's been that smell in the air, it's the smell o desperation comin fae the No-sayers as they squeeze oot yin last Hurrah! fer their dyin Union.

There wis a cooncillor...

(tae the tune o A Scottish Soldier)


There wis a cooncillor, a Labour cooncillor,
she had been oot aw day, this wis a Saturday
She wis a cooncillor, this Labour cooncillor,
She'd focht oan pollin day, an focht an won...

She beat the Tory, an loved tae bore ye
wi tales sae spurious an mak ye furious,
but noo she's silent, cos she wis violent,
an lamped the long airm o the law...

An she wis reelin, she wis squealin,
"Ah'm a cooncillor! Ah'm a cooncillor!"
Oh she wis reelin, she wis squealin,
"Don't you know who I-ee am?"

An noo this cooncillor, this Labour cooncillor,
who had been oot aw day an drinkin hard aw day
tho nearly fallin, heard music callin,
wantit tae dance away until the dawn...

She hailed a taxi, doon tae the Palais,
where she could dance away, an pit mair drink away
but when she got there, there wis a queue there,
an there the long airm o the law...

An she wis reelin, she wis squealin,
"Ah'm a cooncillor! Ah'm a cooncillor!"
She wis reelin god she wis squealin,
"Don't you know who I-ee am?"

Noo see this cooncillor, this Labour cooncillor,
been oan the lash aw day, an actin flash aw day,
So up she goes there, richt tae the door there,
she thocht that she could go walkin in...

They widnae let her, an that upset her,
mind she wis stocious, behaved atrocious,
an noo she's silent, cos she got violent,
an lamped the long airm o the law...

As she wis deckin him, she wis threatenin him,
"Ah'm a cooncillor! Ah'm a cooncillor!"
She wis abusin him as she wis bruisin him,
"Don't you know who I-ee am?"

Oh she wis reelin, she wis squealin,
"Ah'm a cooncillor!" Ah'm a cooncillor!"
She wis freakin an she wis shriekin,
"Don't you know who I-ee am?"

Whit's that smell?

Whenever ah lift ma nose fae the grindstone th'noo, ah can smell the sweet scent o desperation in the air. Ah smell it in the froth surroundin the Yes campaign launch, when the Daily Record actually finds a picture o celebration oan the website as worthy o comment an criticism, ah smell it in the Olympics coverage as a harsh, vindictive, budget-slashin posh-boy government tries tae justify blawin billions oan a three-week-long sports day, but ah smell it maist keenly in this weekend's jewel-encrusted jubilee jamboree as oor establishment draws its cheeks in tightly an tries tae convince us that an unelected birthright encapsulates an represents this country tae the world. Weel here's a thing, Elizabeth Mountbatten-Schleiswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glucksberg-Windsor-Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Wettin-Hohenzollern-Tak-Yer-Pick disnae represent me...

When Scotland decides in 2014 that it's time tae tak oor place among the ither nations o the world, ah'd like us tae follae maist ither modern nations an pick that yin human bein that represents us as the heid o oor state. Noo whether we cry that person oor President, or whether we cry them somethin like Duke or Duchess o Albany, or even King or Queen o Scots is up tae us, but the main thing is we should pick them, an the position should be term-limited. Onybody that bides in Scotland could go fer that position, so Anne Laurence could go fer it if she flits here, as could Alex Salmond, as could Jimmy Krankie, as could the Rastatramp, as could ah, as could ony o Jock Tamson's bairns...

Let's no be bound by oor past, let's be freed by oor future...

Ah love bein Scottish...

Ah love bein Scottish, because ah am. It wid be daft no tae enjoy it, bein whit ye are. It is whit ye are, it seems plain an simple tae me. Ah identify wi Scottish fowk, the fowk aroond me, here an noo, in ma life. The fowk in here an oot there, fowk that bide in Scotland. They're the Scots an whitever their views oan the vote in 2014, they're the fowk that hae the right tae that vote, we accept it, we the Scots are noo makin the decision as tae how the world should see us, an how we should see oorsels, an the fact we're allowin oorsels tae decide it means that we hae that power awready, self-determination. If ye accept that we hae, collectively, that power, then we should vote Yes tae assume aw that goes wi it, oor proper place as a nation along wi aw the rest o them, no in this awkward position we're in where everythin's coloured wi us bashin each ither while we should be gettin oan an acceptin it... Ah love bein Scottish...

Here's a thing...

Here's a thing, ah complained tae the BBC the other day, a thing ah've nivver done afore, ah had tae fill in a form an everythin. Ah did it cos ah've jist had enough o the bias that ah'm seein day in an day oot oan the telly, an if it's gaunnae characterise the next twa years ah thocht ah'd best get ma complaint in early. An this is aw aboot *that* vote in 2014 an nothin tae dae wi the cooncil elections, this wis a ban oan Alex Salmond *because* he's Alex Salmond. Ah doubt that were he still alive an were he still First Minister, they widnae hae thocht twice aboot haein Donald Dewar oan afore the Calcutta Cup. But there's a Unionist bias at play in the BBC that sees legitimisin the SNP government as a threat, tae them, an they are retreatin intae a Unionist position that plays less an less tae us Scots. They banned Alex Salmond cos they cannae see him as representin us, as oor duly elected First Minister, they see him through a political prism, as a threat...

But it's precisely *because* he's Alex Salmond that he gets tae appear, in my mind onyroad, cos ah believe he kens whit he's talkin aboot, oan maist things an certainly his sports, an wid gie a guid-humoured, enthusiast an clever opinion, yin that, *because* he's the First Minister, ah'd be interested in hearin, tho ah ken little aboot flamin rugby masel, an cos he is speakin fer us, an daein whit he's aye done, he's coachin Scotland oot o the Union an intae a different, new future, yin where things like the Calcutta Cup are crucial, friendly games played oan equal terms celebratin a shared history an community. There's no often ye find a man wi the abilities, the knowledge, the experience an the will tae dae whit Alex Salmond's daein, an has been daein fer thirty-odd years, gie the man respect. Ah bet ye'll be giein David Cameron plenty respect come the flamin Olympics, ya slaverin gets...

That's whit ah think onywy...